CLOUDS FAR BEHIND ME
A Memoir of Love, Loss, and the Path to Resilience
Sometimes it feels as though the dark clouds will never lift.
At age 41, I became instantly thrust into a strange new world with a horrific new title: Widow. A widow with an unwanted mantra repeating in my head: I am so fucked.
With two young kids, a loving husband and a thriving business together, my beautiful life was unfolding according to plan. Then, a cancer diagnosis changed everything. After enduring a year-long battle as caregiver, my husband Joe died sending me into an unexplained and unchartered new world.
Having lost my identity as wife, parenting partner and business partner, I wandered aimlessly in numbness and denial until the harsh reality of widowhood took hold. I struggled daily as a parent just to make it to 9 PM each night, constantly felt waves of PTSD coming on, and had to endure holidays and milestones alone without familiar navigation to guide me.
Reluctant at first, I began to honor my intuition, giving up resistance and allowing myself to lean-in and grieve fully. Immersing myself in surfing (a previous favorite pastime) in the frigid ocean in an effort to feel again, I’m met with both physical challenges and mental strategies to stay alive. Wise words from a fellow surfer offers life-changing advice: “Learn not to struggle, you will surface again.”
After allowing myself to fall down what became a bottomless rabbit-hole, I discovered valuable life lessons in whatever came my way. I realized it was “OK to not be OK”…for a while, until the grieving space became a little too comfortable and I changed my thinking to “It’s NOT OK to just be OK.” I wanted more.
With signs from beyond, “aha” moments and self-discovery along the way, I ultimately found inner-strength, peace and a revised version of myself with a newfound identity.
Editorial Reviews
"When I started reading Clouds Far Behind Me, I expected wisdom from a woman who lost her beloved husband at a young age...
What unfolded was something far more surprising—delicate, captivating, and impossible to put down. The story reads like a novel—gripping, raw, full of shocking twists, and, at times, laugh-out-loud funny. Lori invites you into her heartbreaking journey with courage, humor, and an inspiring level of gratitude and humanity. This isn’t a self-help book; it’s a beautifully messy love letter to resilience, laughter, and surviving the unimaginable. From gut-wrenching choices to moments of unexpected joy, it proves that even in grief—laughter and miracles find a way in. Clouds Far Behind Me is a testament to love, loss, and learning to ride the unfair, unpredictable and unforgettable waves of life.”
Wendy Miller
Emmy-winning TV producer and author of Three Secrets to the Happy and Healthy Relationship You’ve Always F*cking Wanted
"This deeply personal story of how Lori navigates the unexpected loss of her husband, Joe, is rich with the truth and honesty of a mother, and wife-now widow...
Lori’s story is poignant as it highlights the realities of life and parenthood as she finds her way through the storm of grief. Her sharing is so valuable in helping the reader to appreciate the confusing and paralyzing impact of grief as life simply carries on, along with the expectations that you will simply carry on as well.
Through loss, grief, and change, Lori shares her vulnerability, and her strength, as she teaches her children how to navigate loss, and remember their dad with both sadness and also joy.
This book is a must read for everyone. For the widows, quickly you will discover you are not alone. For family and friends, this book can be a guide on how to show up and support those you care about who have experienced the loss of someone they care about.
And for end of life professionals, this book is a window into the emotions and experiences of the caregivers. The caregivers who are the most valuable members of a healthcare team, deserve this understanding and compassion as they care for their loved ones, and fulfill this important role at end of life.”
Karen Hendrickson
End of Life Educator & Consultant
Co-Founder, Death & Dying Network International
"Clouds Far Behind Me is a powerful and emotional memoir about Lori's journey through grief and healing after losing her husband, Joe, to pancreatic cancer...
With raw honesty, she shares the turmoil of Joe’s diagnosis and the emotional complexities of their experience.
Through her storytelling, Lori provides readers with an intimate look into her struggles and how she tried to stay strong for her children while coping with overwhelming grief.
The memoir highlights Lori’s close bond with her children and helps us understand the importance of the support she received from family and friends during this tough time.
It includes meaningful moments, like Joe’s Celebration of Life, and Lori’s thoughts on spirituality and staying strong. She openly discusses her experience during the first year after Joe’s death, including how she faced important events like birthdays and holidays while learning to deal with her emotions.
Lori’s story ends with a lovely memory of a meaningful trip to Hawaii, where she releases Joe’s ashes as a way of letting go and accepting his death.
Clouds Far Behind Me is not just about loss; it’s a deep look into how resilience, love, and support can help heal even the most painful wounds.
Through her journey, Lori shares important lessons on dealing with grief that will resonate with anyone who has faced loss, reminding us that even after the storm, the light can return.
This book touched my heart in a way I was not expecting. A great and valuable read for sure!”
Jo-Anne Haun
Co-Founder, Death & Dying Network International
"In Clouds Far Behind Me, Lori takes readers through the raw, unfiltered experience of losing her husband to pancreatic cancer...
She doesn’t sugarcoat the pain or the chaos that followed, but she also brings moments of humor and unexpected honesty that make this book both heartbreaking and deeply relatable. She shares the moments she felt strong, the times she completely fell apart, and everything in between.
I especially appreciate that she goes beyond just the emotions and addresses the practical realities of losing a spouse. She reflects on the plans they had in place that helped her navigate life after loss, and the conversations they never had that could have made the experience easier. Her insights on parenting through grief are especially powerful, as she openly shares the agony of the “I hate you” moments and the joy of impromptu bagel fights, learning on the fly how to guide her children through their father’s death.
This book is a must-read for parents—not only for a glimpse into the reality of losing a partner while raising young kids, but also as a guide to better prepare for that most unwanted “what-if” turn of events. It’s also invaluable for those supporting a grieving friend or loved one, offering a deeper understanding of what that journey truly looks like. And for anyone who has lost a spouse, or anticipates losing someone close, Lori’s story is a raw and relatable companion through one of life’s hardest transitions.”
Corey Kearsley
Co-Founder, Prepare Your Affairs
“I’d always seen my life’s plan laid out before me as if on a gigantic whiteboard…
Ideas, goals, projects, and projections too vast to physically manifest onto an actual board, this vision had traveled with me in my head. Each role I played in life represented in a different color and font all clearly seen in my mind’s eye. Wife, mother, business partner, etc.—all with their corresponding maps of completed, edited, and constantly revised elements unfolding like promising red carpets into the future or scrolling up into memory when completed.
Shortly after Joe died, I experienced a shocking and unforeseen revelation: my whiteboard had been completely erased. Blank. All my hopes, plans, and dreams had become intrinsically intertwined with Joe’s. Now they were gone. I was no longer a wife. No longer a parenting partner. No longer a business partner. My world had been shattered beyond recognition. My life’s narrative was disrupted. I had no idea who I was. My identity was gone.”
“I’d always seen my life’s plan laid out before me as if on a gigantic whiteboard…
Ideas, goals, projects, and projections too vast to physically manifest onto an actual board, this vision had traveled with me in my head. Each role I played in life represented in a different color and font all clearly seen in my mind’s eye. Wife, mother, business partner, etc.—all with their corresponding maps of completed, edited, and constantly revised elements unfolding like promising red carpets into the future or scrolling up into memory when completed.
Shortly after Joe died, I experienced a shocking and unforeseen revelation: my whiteboard had been completely erased. Blank. All my hopes, plans, and dreams had become intrinsically intertwined with Joe’s. Now they were gone. I was no longer a wife. No longer a parenting partner. No longer a business partner. My world had been shattered beyond recognition. My life’s narrative was disrupted. I had no idea who I was. My identity was gone.”
Excerpts from Clouds Far Behind Me
Bird in the Yard
I looked out the car window and noticed the familiar surroundings of our home but wasn’t sure how we got there. Still in the driver’s seat, I had somehow mustered up the wherewithal to drive the two short blocks back home. I knew it was time to get out of the car but found myself locked in momentary paralysis. My brain was telling my body to move, but it would not listen. Except for my eyes, I had completely frozen. I began scanning the front yard for something to help wake me from my comatose state. My focus settled upon the distinctively shaped, puzzle-like markings on the trunk of a Chinese elm tree.
This is your yard.
That is your tree.
There is a bird on its branch.
Letting Go of Things
My first attempt at letting go of anything tangible was trying to tackle a stack of papers left untouched on his desk. While I had taken over this space as my own, I kept most things on it exactly as they were. This, in a way, was his shrine. I had read stories about other widows leaving entire rooms or various objects untouched. Toothbrushes, razors, glasses, shoes—all with closely held memories and traces of their loved one’s scent and DNA left behind—unmoved from their last location for months or even years at a time. Every item holding a connectedness to what once was. Things still here, while they were not.
The Day I Got My Humor Back
Soon after Valentine’s Day, I realized something else was missing in my life: my sense of humor. My mind had always worked overtime to rapidly release comedic interjections and see the hilarity in life’s daily absurdities. “Witty and sarcastic” was how people often described me. Now these descriptions, along with my sense of humor, had vanished, completely changing both my perspective and how I was perceived. With the exception of my recent celebration bathroom incident, I had endured eight months of grieving without cracking a joke, laughing out loud, or seeing anything anymore as comedic. I feared it would never come back and that my whiteboard would never see those descriptive words again.